An INTIMATE Conversation with Heather Mears of Four Bettys

"ALL HAIL, FOUR BETTYS!" The 5th Wheel had the unique pleasure to sit down and chat with Heather Mears, baritone of the 2008 Queens of Harmony Four Bettys. With only a few days left until the crown must be passed to the new champions, Mear's publicist allowed a rare interview with the outgoing queen.

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The5thWheel: I bow on one knee in your presence, oh great Queen of Harmony. What exactly is the job description for being a "Queen of Harmony?" Raise membership dues? Manipulate scores? Banish staff members? Attend extravagant parties where men have to wear white wigs and powder their faces?

QueenMears: I'm sorry, can you bow a little lower? I can't quite see the top of your head (Well, why don't you just get off your throne and try a little harder? The power of a queen... sigh!) Anyway, description ey? Well, our main job is to keep our hair perfect for the crown. Other than that, we sit around eating bonbons all day and have O.C. Times wait on us hand and foot. (The loser of the coin toss gets the foot right?)

The5thWheel: Have you wielded your powers of a queen with dignity and grace- all for the common good, or did you corrupt the throne with money, power and scandal?

QueenMears: Unfortunately, Joan and mom (Lynda) aren't nearly evil enough ("The Diet Coke of evil... perhaps?" -Dr. Evil) for corruption, so they dragged Cori and I into extending our powers for worldly good such as singing until all hours of the morning with any and all Sweet Adelines in the near vicinity!

The5thWheel: How did you come up with the name Four Bettys?

QueenMears: Cori's brilliant brain. Don't ask, it's scary. (Must... ask... question... Cory has a brain? Ooo, that is scary. "Run for the hills!")

The5thWheel: For those who are 50 years and older, what's a Betty?

QueenMears: A Betty is a best girlfriend ("Aahh.. BFF!"), but our favorite definition is a female in a male dominated sport. Watch out barbershoppers, here we come! (Barbershop is male dominated? Have you looked at the males in barbershop lately? You could have come up with a better example like football or hunting, for that matter.)

The5thWheel: The four Bettys that come to my mind are Betty Davis (Silver screen diva), Betty Rubble (Smokin' hot cartoon wife), Betty Ford (Trivia: Her parents named her AFTER the rehab clinic. Most people think it was the other way around.) and Ned Beatty (Otis from Superman and pig-raped by a hill-billy in Deliverance). Which of these four Bettys most resembles your quartet members?

QueenMears: Well, if you spelled Bette Davis' name right, I suppose we would be her. (Look, You don't have to get snarky with me lady I... Oops.. I mean, "Oh powerful queen that you are!") I mean, who doesn't want to be a diva...(Greg Lyne) never mind the fact that we get to wear crowns to show our superior Diva skills.

The5thWheel: I'm still on my knee bowing to you. It would be easier if I could finish this interview looking at you face to face. May I stand up now?

QueenMears: Hmmm...no, I think I like you right there. (D'oh!) Hope you've been doing your squats. (Ha. ha. ha. I guess you have to go through a little pain to get the big story. Of course, if I had just waited an extra week she would no longer have these powers. DANG IT!)

The5thWheel: Your last name is Mears. Being from Chicago, how many times in your life have you had people imitate the famous 1990's Saturday Night Live skit and say, "DA-Mearz!"? I'm the first, right?

QueenMears: If you make us look good...of COURSE you're the first! (I knew it! I'm soooo original. "Dit-ka. Dit-ka.") However, my favorite is what they used to call ma when she was a kid...Big Ears Mears. (At least she wasn't called Mc'Geek.")

The5thWheel: Four Bettys just released a brand new CD. In 25 words or less, try to convince our readers why we should even consider buying your new recording.

QueenMears: It's good. Buy it. (OMG, I'M SO THERE!! OPEN. OPEN. OPEN. You are a good salesman.)

The5thWheel: OH! I just remembered another Betty... Betty Page! Who in your quartet would be her, and if so, when is the swimsuit calendar going to be released?

Queen Mears: Seriously, learn how to spell these women's names! This one is BETTIE Page...and I definitely think that would be mom. Isn't it always the old ones who do the craziest things? (Ya know what, I think it helps my manhood that I DON'T know how to spell these ladies names, OK? If you've seen one Betty... then you've seen one.)

The5thWheel: What's the schedule looking like for Four Bettys in the coming year?

QueenMears: Besides wallowing (Like Ned BEATTY? "Sooowee") in the fact that we are no longer current champs (tear!), we will be doing an assortment of educational schools, shows, and mimosa-laden rehearsals (hey, when you're having a rough rehearsal, nothing like a little mimosa to ease the ear pain!) (Sweet Adelines drink alcohol? Who would've thunk?)

The5thWheel: Next week you'll be finishing up your reign as Queens of Harmony. Do you feel that the competing quartets next week will be responsible enough to take control of the "Harmony Empire", or should Four Bettys stay on as Queens for another year? (You still have a week left to change the laws!)

QueenMears: If we had our way, we'd rule the empire FOREVER! But I must say, it does get tiring mixing with all our minions. (Well, I think the timing is good for you, with all the hand and foot rubbing we minions have had to do this past year, a revolution was in your near future.) It may be time for a break...but don't even THINK about calling us "Old Queens". I think only Queen Elizabeth deserves that title! (How about "Old Hags?")

The5thWheel: Well, thank you for your hospitality in doing this interview with one of your many loyal (and forced) fans. Perhaps there may be a time when my family will gain status in the world, and I could call you friend?

QueenMears: Well, luckily for you, you at least have some kind of hardware to prove your worth...of course, I can't quite recall the quartet....Chicago? Metropolitan? Metro-divas? I'll have to think on that one. (MaxQ, thank you very much!)________________________

The 5th Wheel was fortunate to be given a sample from one of Four Bettys songs that is listed on their new CD. To purchase this recording, please visit Four Bettys website.

Thanks to Heather Mears for this in-depth interview. If The 5th Wheel could share a moment with our readers to talk about the class and dignity of this great Queen, we would.

End of interview.