Star Trek: The Lost Episode "Kitchen Trek"

The 5th Wheel realizes that Star Trek has nothing to do with barbershop, (Unless you're Hi-Fidelity). However, it will offer a glimpse of creativity and style that is yet to come when the new 5th Wheel site launches in a few weeks. It won't have a Star Trek theme (We promise). This is just to give you an idea of the humor and witty storytelling that lies ahead (Oh God... open mouth, insert gun barrel). The 5th Wheel will contain video news reports as well as stories that have an odd humorous twist that will even make George Carlin smile (Making a corpse smile is indeed, impressive).

Backstory: In 2001 I bought my first digital camcorder. I was a crew member for a television show and on the side, was doing some part time apprentice work with the post production team. I wanted to test out the camera so I created this short movie entitled Kitchen Trek. Is it stupid? (No) Yes. Will you still laugh? Yes. (Probably AT me.) But that's OK.

I didn't get to finish the video because my camera was stolen. About six months ago I found the video on my computer and decided to finish it. I threw in a couple more speaking lines, added some music and credits and wrapped it up into a fine piece of filmmaking (Can you say, "Oscar?"). I was roommates with James Sabina (He always had to borrow my toilet paper.) at the time, so forgive his dirty toilet. Also, most of you may not know this but dartboards and guitars are still popular in the 23rd Century.

So, sit back, turn up the volume, grab some popcorn and a coke, and BEHOLD... in all its GLORY!

KITCHEN TREK

I'm Going To Disneyland!

The list of choruses who will be competing in Anaheim was released today on the Harmonet by Todd Wilson. Here they are in no particular order (Best to worst). Listed next to each chapter is their host for the convention.

District Qualifiers:

Ambassadors of Harmony- CSD (Mickey Mouse)

Vocal Majority- SWD (Davy Crockett)

Great Northern Union- LOL (Pinnoccio)

Voices In Harmony- FWD (The gay parade dancer)

The Northern Lights- ONT (Pluto)

Sound of the Rockies- RMD (Grumpy)

New Tradition- ILL (Buzz Lightyear)

The Alliance Chorus- JAD (Mr. Incredible)

Atlanta Vocal Project- DIX (Snow White)

Alexandria Harmonizers- MAD (Captain Nemo)

The Kentucky Vocal Union- CAR (Abraham Lincoln-Mechanical Version)

Salem Senate-Aires- EVG (Bambi)

Heralds of Harmony- SUN (Aladdin)

Narragansett Bay Chorus- NED (Pocahontas)

Mountaintown Singers- PIO (Ride announcer on Big Thunder Mountain)

The Vocal Agenda- SLD (Chesire Cat)

Wild Cards:

Heart of Texas- SWD (Goofy)

Southern Gateway Chorus- JAD (Captain Jack Sparrow)

Spirit of Phoenix- FWD (Haunted Mansion's Ghost Host)

Midwest Vocal Express- LOL (Green Army Men)

Sound of Illinois- ILL (Dumbo)

Saltaires- RMD (Cinderella)

Music City Chorus- DIX (Dapper Dans)

MegaCity Chorus- ONT (Country Bear Jamboree Band)

Northwest Sound- EVG (Mr. Toad)

Minneapolis Commodores- LOL (Mark Twain's Captain)

Affiliates:

Great Western Chorus- BABS (Burt, The Chimney Sweep)

Zero8- SNOBS (Love Bug)

Vocal FX- NZABS (Walt Disney in crygenic freezing)

We Haven't Forgotten You

The 5th Wheel has been a little busy (playing Xbox) lately which has caused us to lapse in our reporting. There is a reason for this (procrastination). Due to the popularity of the site, The 5th Wheel has decided to relocate from our one room office into a 10,000 sq ft facility. While the economy may be taking a dump, our business is flourishing. We have gone from only a handful of workers to employing well over 1000+ "5th Wheelers" so that we can offer you more news and information on the barbershop community.

The 5th Wheel will no longer contain just a daily blog and a poll. The new website will cover all facets of barbershopping, including our affiliates, Sweet Adelines and Harmony Inc. There will be more audio made available to visitors as well as video reports throughout the week. Our reporters will also cover the International Conventions in a way nobody has ever done. It will be a truly interactive experience.

Other additions to the site will be several forums to discuss specific topics, chat rooms with barbershoppers around the world, live interview sessions with our "celebrity" barbershoppers and a site containing useful vocal and presentation material from the best minds in our Society.

There's a whole lot more, but I don't want to give away everything. Just know that the witty and clever humor of The 5th Wheel will still be prevelant in our stories and news coverage.

The new site should be up in a few weeks. In the meantime, keep coming back to the blog for we will be constantly adding articles until the big switch happens. Once again, thank you to all who have come to visit and made us feel kind of special (retarded).

An INTIMATE Conversation: Jenn Edwards of Moxie Ladies

The 5th Wheel was fortunate to score the first "exclusive" interview with a member of the new 2009 SAI Queens of Harmony, Moxie Ladies. Through the magical use of cellphone technology, The 5th Wheel chatted with the Lead of Moxie Ladies, Jenn Edwards.

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The5thWheel: Hello Jenn, thank you for taking time to speak with us today. I'm sure Hawaii in no way compares to the romantic state of Ohio?

Edwards: I'm sorry, this is Anna. I'm the new personal assistant to Ms. Edwards. I'm just, oh... excuse me, one second. (In the background: "Ms. Edwards? It's time for your interview. [pause] Who? No, it's not Vanity Fair, it's The 5th Wheel. [pause] What Ma'am? Yes, I know it's a crappy blog, but since you agreed to this interview before you won, the right thing to do is keep your promise and do the interview. [pause] Yes, I'll bring the phone to you in your bedroom, then I'll leave to pickup your dry cleaning and Starbucks.") Mr. 5th Wheel? Here's Ms. Edwards.

The5thWheel: Hi Jenn... uh... I mean Ms Edwards. Congratulations on your big win last week in Hawaii. It must be an incredible time for you right now?

Edwards: That's Ms. JENNIFER Edwards.

The5thWheel: Oops, I'm sorry ma'am. Ms. Jennifer Edwards, what was it like being onstage before they announced your name?
Edwards: It was a little different than years past (You mean when you didn't win?) as I didn't have as much time to work myself into a frenzy. I received the MENC award and went straight to the quartet lineup. (Oh, I know what you mean. Life is so difficult when you must receive multiple awards on one night. cough! DIVA!) Once I was on the risers, I was intensely aware that I didn't get a restroom break. ("Uh-oh!" -Carl Lewis) Thank goodness for Depends.

The5thWheel: Were you confident after your finals set that you would win?

Edwards: Not at all. We were competing with some fantastic quartets. (Wow, you are so politically correct. For once, I'd like to see someone step up and say with confidence, "HAHA! WE WON! Can't touch this! Wanna hold my gold medal?- I DON'T THINK SO! PYSCH!") I didn't know where the chips (Ponch or Jon?) would fall. (After the 80's.) Speaking of chips...I could really go for some cheddar Baked Lays. (Awwww yeeeeaaaahhh...)

The5thWheel: Well, please wait until our interview is over before you call Anna for those chips. How did it feel when they put the crown on your head?

Edwards: Well, after the blood letting when they dug bobbie pins into my scalp, it was the best ever! (In case you didn't know, SAI stands for "Spanish American Inquisition.") Actually, I didn't feel the pain, just the amazement and awe that we had actually done it! My quartet sisters (Moxie Ladies or the Rainbow Room?) and I had met our goal the way we had met all of our previous ones! (I know, through bribes and deceit. How do you think Vocal Spectrum beat MaxQ in 2006?)

The5thWheel: What was the rest of the evening like? Where did you go? What were your responsibilities?

Edwards: From the stage, we were taken to have official photos with our friends and families. (Official photos? Is that the same as a police lineup? I wonder what it's like to have an "official" family?) It was very paparazzi like... not to mention the fifty people in the room who were shouting, "Chin down (Check). Fix the medal (Gold). Girls (Ta-tas) up. Flowers (Jennifer) here." It was overwhelming, but way cool. After photos, we were taken to a special private dinner with the leadership of SAI ("The Inquisition, what a show. The Inquisition, here we go...") and the Coronet Club. Each of us were allowed one guest. Following dinner, we were taken to the Coronet Club Show (I would follow dinner there too!) and were paraded in while strutting to Roy Orbison's "Pretty Woman" where front row seats had gifts from all the past Queens. (Freddie Mercury or Ru Paul?) The gift basket contained crown slippers, key chains, sunglasses and thongs.... just kidding about the thongs. Maybe... ("Without a thong the day will never end.")

The5thWheel: Did you go to sleep wearing your crown and medal?

Edwards: See attached photo. (Um... you need to text it to me first.)

Th5thWheel: Ms. Jennifer Edwards, thank you so much for taking time away from your hectic schedule to answer your fan's questions. We hope your reign as the new Queens of Harmony is gracious and honorable and you will represent the...

Edwards: (interrupting) Anna... Anna? I just clicked over from that "big waste of time" 5th Wheel interview. I need you to stop and get me some Baked Lays after you're done with my other errands.

The5thWheel: Ms Edwards? You're still on the phone with The 5th Wheel.

Edwards: (click)

End of interview

Polls Closed: Who's The Lamest?

The 5th Wheel has a winner in the "Lamest Quartet Name" poll.

4th Michigan Jake (This is the first time M.J. ever received a 4th place finish.)

4th State Line Grocery (Is anybody surprised they would medal? Didn't think so.)

2nd San Francisco Storm Door & Whale Oil Company (You guys have anymore pins to promote the quartet? I need one for my baritone.)

2nd Quackenbush Quartet (FYI, I forgot to mention that two of the members are past Int'l Champion Baritones. The first was Bobby Gray Jr. from The New Tradition and was later replaced with eventual champion Mike Lawton of Revival. Oh, and the Tenor was Raymond Davis, medalist Tenor of Special Feature. Look at all the talent Ed Watson had supporting him, yet he still couldn't even win the District. Is it bad to make fun of our CEO? We may be in trouble.)

The Lamest Champions are...

POTENTIAL FAVORITES (Wow, they had the potential in them afterall to be chosen as our favorite lamest quartet name ever! I've already contacted the Society Headquarters and your picture will be hung on the wall in the lobby with the other great champions in our Society's history. Isn't it ironic that I don't have a picture of these guys?)

Upcoming: Moxie Ladies Interview

We will be posting an interview with the new 2009 SAI Champions Moxie Ladies hopefully later tonight. Come back later!

Polls Closed: Check out the results!

The 5th Wheel has the results from its most popular poll(s) yet. We asked your opinion about several different hot topics in barbershop and appreciate your participation. Check out how you voted below.

Three years ago the Society created a new logo. What is your opinion of the logo?

I like it. It's a great representation of our Society to the world. (13%) 19

It's fine. Nothing great, but not bad either. (59%) 81

I hate the logo. Wish we had another choice. (26%) 36

# of votes= 136

This does seem to be the consensus for most barbershoppers that we've talked with. We accept the Society needed to make some changes for the future, however we wish there could have been a better choice.

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Over the past decade our competitions have allowed for more creativity with the arrangements, expanding the barbershop umbrella. Is this good for the art form?

I enjoy the creative arranging, but some are just a little too much and need to be penalized or discouraged to perform in competition. (41%) 55

Yes it is! It broadens the choice of music and makes the contest more entertaining. It only helps the evolution of barbershop. (48%) 65

These charts are not appropriate for competitions. This is bad for the art form and will eventually destroy it. (9%) 13

# of votes= 133

You could almost lump answers one and two into the same opinion. Overall, barbershoppers like the creative arrangements and the different songs being sung on contest. We just want to make sure that if a leak forms in the dam wall that it will gain full attention and not go unnoticed.

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Why has our membership declined over the past twenty years? (Multiple answers allowed)

Too much emphasis on competition (16%) 21

Lack of exposure (47%) 60

The world of music/media/communication has changed and barbershop quartet singing, an old art form, is no longer popular. (44%) 57

We've lost that feeling of "fraternity" in our chapters. (29%) 37

# of votes= 127

There's no question that exposure of our music is crucial. The Society realizes this is an issue, however answer three is their real struggle. It's hard to expose the public or the music industry to barbershop singing when nobody wants to hear it. The only way the music industry would care about the art form is if they could make money from it. Having the headquarters in Nashville is a great start! Kudos BHS!

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In order for our Society to survive we must rely on our future members, young men. What can we do to help?

Ask the younger men what attracts them to barbershop singing, listen to what they say and implement their ideas. (84%) 106

This is a man's job. Stay on course and it will eventually turn itself around. It has worked before, it will work again. (15%) 19

# of votes= 125

This was certainly a one sided vote, huh? Now, The 5th Wheel wasn't trying to say, "Keep out the old guard and let the 21 year olds run the Society." If you believed that, then you're a doofus! (Russ) Could you imagine Westminster running the Society? Hardly any work would get done between Xbox breaks and 5pm keggers. The point being made by The 5th Wheel and the 106 others who voted was to say, "Hey, talk to these kids and see what it is about barbershop "today" that has turned them on to it." Discover those elements and use them to our advantage to market the Society.

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What direction is the Barbershop Harmony Society headed?

Right Direction (76%) 91

Wrong Direction (23%) 28

# of votes= 119

With all the issues and disagreements we face between our members, the overall agreement is that we are headed in the right direction for our future. Way to go guys! Now grab three other singers, one of them a youngin' and go off in a corner and bust a Burt Szabo tag! Oh yeah, please do it in privacy so that the public won't hear you.

Melodeers win BIG in Hawaii!

The Melodeers once again claim their rank as champion! Check out the final results below. We also included your top five poll to compare.

OFFICIAL RESULTS
1. Melodeers 3023
2. North Metro 2837
3. Scottsdale 2815
4. Skyline 2788
5. Ronninge Show 2769
6. Song of Atlanta 2663
7. San Diego 2657
8. Spirit of the Gulf 2646
9. Pride of Portland 2606
10. Buffalo Gateway 2543

THE 5TH WHEEL POLL RESULTS
1. Melodeers
2. Scottsdale
3. North Metro
4. Ronninge Show-Tie
4. Spirit of the Gulf -Tie

Moxie Ladies- 2009 Queens of Harmony

1. Moxie Ladies 2754
2. Jackpot! 2698
3. Razzcals 2695
4. Maxx Factor 2662
5. Capri 2631

LAME Quartet Names

The 5th Wheel understands the struggles and difficulties when it comes to giving your brand new quartet a name. The name isn't just a way of recognizing your group (ugly), but it represents the personality of the quartet (boring). The other hard part is finding a name that all four of the members like and are willing to accept.

With that in mind, HOW IN THE WORLD did these quartet names EVER come into being? Now, before you all gripe and complain, "HEY MAN, that's my favorite quartet you're baggin' on! I'm gonna come over there and shove that '5th Wheel' up your @$$!", just chiiiiillll and look at it from our perspective.

Imagine you are sitting down with the other three members of your quartet. You decide to make this new singing adventure 'official' and need to create a name. Tell me, if these names that I'm about to mention were on your list, would you REALLY pick them?

139th St Quartet (Hey, see that road sign? Let's name our quartet after an obscure street name. "Sepulveda BLVD?" No, you idiot, the good one.)

Potential Favorites (The irony; This quartet always finished either in last place or close to it in their International Competitions. Apparently, the "potential" was NEVER there.)

State Line Grocery (How do four grown men decide that having the word "Grocery" in your name would be considered a great way to be identified? What is a state line grocery and what does it have to do with singing?

Michigan Jake ("I got an idea! Let's name our quartet after a cartoon frog!" Who in their right mind would ever name their quartet after a cartoon or comic boo... um.... never mind. It's a good name.)

San Francisco Storm Door and Whale Oil Company (Not to be confused with San Francisco Back Door Lubricating Company. We never thought a group with 13 syllables and "whale oil" in the name would be the most popular choice on the list. It may sound crazy, but this quartet's popularity will live on with much respect through all the FWD quartet champions from the past, present and future. How? Become a FWD champion and find out.)

Quackenbush Quartet (One of the worst names EVER in quartet history! Even if it is Lida Rose's last name, it still sucks. BTW, the Lead of that quartet is currently the "boss" of our Society, Executive Director Ed Watson! ["Uh oh!"- Carl Lewis] We may need to re-think Watson's role in the Society. If he agrees to a name like THAT, then our Society could be in for some REAL trouble!)

FRED ("What the heck does FRED stand for?" From what I was told it means "Four Really Enormous D___." Hint: The last word rhymes with "pricks.")

It's amazing what quality singing and entertainment can do to make your name go from stupid to cool. Two of these quartets are International Champions and two others have top five International medals. These quartets have made crummy names "legendary" in our Society. The 5th Wheel tips its hat to your success and vision.

What still blows our mind is that someone suggested these names and three other guys responded, "YES! That's the BEST name!" The 5th Wheel respects everyone's opinions.

Check out the poll in the right column and VOTE which name is the lamest!

Extra Note: A devoted fan of The 5th Wheel thought they would throw some other quartet names into the fire:

As FRED has noticed, most champs have silly names:

• Revival sounds like they should be singing in a different genre. (Amen brother!)
• Nightlife sounds like a naughty lingerie store. (Hmm... Sasine in a teddy... AAAAAAAHHH!!)
• Gotcha! has freakin' punctuation in their name. (Jeepers!!!!)
• What about The Bluegrass Student Union or The Gas House Gang? (Lame, huh? One name refers to a country band hangout spot in college and the other a group that loiters around an outhouse. Nasty!)

Photos courtesy of Dan Proctor and photographed by Lorin May.